Now we come to the second part of breaking down BDSM. Our first article focused on BD breaking down BDSM. In this article DS Breaking Down BDSM, it refers to the second part of the acronym DS, Dominance and Submission or D&S. As you’ll quickly discover all three components of BDSM are interrelated and connected in some ways.
Bondage and discipline for example, can be used as a form of dominance and submission. By that we mean that discipline can be used as a tool to achieve dominance and submission.
What you will learn through reading these three articles is the interconnectedness of the terms. As well as the importance of how you engage with them, and how you define them as being a part of your sexual being and expression.
DS Breaking Down BDSM
Dominance and submission is pretty straight forward. It sees a dominant individual have power over their sexual partner known as the submissive. This is commonly seen as power play. Where it differs from an abusive relationship is that in dominance and submission the power is freely given. It’s a very complex psychological power play within the relationship. Complex in the sense that it’s not overly complicated, but that it will ultimately mean different things to different people. Power play is one of the more popular themes within sexual fantasy and as such power play exists within many erotic stories online.
Power Play
How you choose to engage in that power play comes through learning, open negotiation, and just a natural flow of the relationship.
Being a dominant does not mean that there is a forcible and non-consensual removal of power. This is abuse. A common mistake of dominant and submissive relationships is that the dominant has all the power. This is incorrect.
A submissive person freely gives that power to the dominant. And a submissive can withdraw that consent at any moment. Withdrawal of this consent immediately removes all power from the dominant and they must comply. True power then, lies within the submissive and the idea that submission is given freely and not taken.
With that in mind, let’s begin to explore this concept.
We have just learned that a dominant is a person that ‘holds’ the power. But just how much power does that entail? Every relationship is different and every person is different. You might think that a Sunday afternoon of following orders and being whipped and shackled is your idea of heaven. But they recoil at the idea of potentially hurting you.
Alternatively, they might feel that calling you a ‘slut’ or a ‘slave’ in the bedroom is the mightiest turn on. But you might be completely and utterly turned off. So how much control can they have?
That depends on the relationship, the communication and the agreement that you have made as a couple/playmates and individuals. Dominance and submission might be specifically limited to random sexual encounters every now and then. Or maybe Sunday afternoon romps in the bedroom. It might be extended to all sexual activity, or it may be to all the time at home or in every single facet of life.
Submissive or Dominant?
With that in mind, why is being ordered around and dominated considered to be so damn hot for some people?
The answer is complex. Some people are just naturally submissive. Others will seek dominant partners throughout their lives or they will have a preference towards ‘bad boys’ and ‘bad girls’. Some will seek dominant partners to balance out their lives. Others simply like the engagement of a fantasy where they can be dominant in the bedroom when they are submissive in the outside world.
There are a number of common misconceptions when it comes to sexual dominance, so let’s first get explore and address those.
Misconceptions About Bondage And Submission
A first misconception lies in the idea that whoever holds the sexual power is the more dominant one overall within the relationship and within life. This is grossly incorrect. It relies on the antiquated notion that sex is a commodity. At the basis the idea stems around a belief that men are sexually dominant because they penetrate their lover. And as such they then control their lover’s life and are naturally more dominant in all other aspects.
Surprisingly to a lot of people it’s completely possible to have a normal, affectionate and balanced relationship. As well as to play with the idea of submission and dominance within sexual activity. For some relationships, what happens in the bedroom will stay in the bedroom. Just because one partner dominates in the bedroom does not mean that they have all of the power within the relationship.
You can be sexually submissive in the bedroom and within sexual activity and still retain equality or dominance in other aspects of the relationship. Consider the idea that’s often thrown around in the media in the sense that powerful men like to be dominated in the bedroom. Sure, this is an exaggeration that all powerful men like to be dominated. But we can use the experience as a way to explore dominance and submission.
Fifty Shades of Grey
With Fifty shades of Grey we saw a powerful and successful man become dominant within the bedroom and then seek submissive partners.
But there are a range of powerful men and women that spend so much of their everyday life in control. That in order to truly let go and relax they allow, or need to allow, someone else to take control of their life. In such an example, a person might be considered to be successful, masculine and in charge. But they find themselves drawn to being highly aroused by being ordered around in the bedroom. This provides balance, and a way for an individual to relax and this is one of the interesting aspects of dominance and submission.
Which leads us to the second point.
Surrendering control within the bedroom is an incredible expression of trust, and an opportunity to experience pleasure. Some of the main reasons why people don’t want to appear to be dominant or submissive is that they feel that it’s going to upset the normal dynamics of the relationship. And that such an act places them in an incredible vulnerable position.
As such, there is often an element of fear in willingly losing control and being subjected to the idea that you’ll appear less of a person in your partner’s eyes because you like to be dominated. This is incorrect.
Love is a complex notion. When trying to understand the question of what is love, you’ll receive a complex mix of answers. Love means honesty, communication and exposing your vulnerabilities. It is an expression that you trust your partner, you have opened up a facet of yourselves to them that they might not have been aware of.
Arousal of Domination
So wherein lies the arousal of being dominated? There is the idea of being in a mindset where the sexual power is all in one of their hands, the submissive partner is vulnerable, helpless. They have no choice but to accept what you give and do whatever it is that you desire. (Unless they use a safe word which immediately ends all forms of play). It’s something that a lot of people, might not necessarily understand.
By having the domination, by having the power, the submissive is at the same time both aroused and worried about the way that a dominant might wield that power. Safety, the consent, and the will to do as the dominant commands lies within the magical power of the safe word.
A lot of people incorrectly assume that the dominant in such a relationship has the most power. This is incorrect. It is the dominant which must obey the power of a safe word. Meaning that the power lies directly within the submissive.
They both relinquish the power, and yet hold the power in the same hand. For that reason the use of a safe word is considered to be quite serious. Usually involves a miscommunication or failing within the scene of some description. Trust is invariably affected.
Dominance From The Perspective Of A Dominant
For an individual that describes themselves as a dominant, they find that they have the opportunity to wield total control over another individual. This has the potential to create all sorts of new sexual experiences which you can do so by your command.
Initially to begin with, that power will permit you to create all of the experiences that you’ve always wanted to try. But never had the chance to do so. This can be both exciting, as well as a lot of fun. A danger from being a dominant involves an element of selfishness. You might find yourself keen to try the things that you, as a dominant, want to try as opposed to the things that your submissive needs and requires.
Being an effective dominant not only requires an understanding of your play partner. But it also requires a willingness to learn sexual activities, behaviours and even learn to become a sexpert on toys. And an understanding of what they do, how they can be used and in what benefit they can provide to the willing participants.
There is a danger of losing focus and perspective in that sense.
There’s also the danger of once you have completed your desires, where to go from there? Thing is that if you keep experiencing those scenarios in the same way, it will probably become boring after some time. In order to avoid that, what you want to be doing is continually adding new things to try as a couple.
Eventually, you’ll find that you have hit the edges of your comfort zone. Here lies the future. Will you use your dominant power to create an experience where you can progress past your comfort zone? Or will you use it to explore a whole new sexual world of opportunities?
Your status as a dominant will allow you to do so, with less risk. Providing that you’re operating within the framework that has been set between you and your partner. You want to gently push the boundaries. Not jump towards something which can be physically and mentally jarring.
Submission From The Perspective Of Being Submissive
On the submissive side, you get the joys and pleasures of being commanded. Your dominant sexual partner should have worked out a framework with you detailing the limits of the play. Some forms of bondage play may not involve sexual activity such as penetration. Considering you might be placed in a position whereby you are restrained. And have very little free will it is important to determine such limits before you start playing.
With this in mind, a dominant might want you to travel outside of your comfort zone.
You should be prepared for this. In time this will create new opportunities for growth, should you choose to accept those opportunities. A submissive places trust in their dominant. There is trust that their dominant partner is doing things in both of your best interests. Remembering that since it is a consensual agreement, a submissive has the right and the duty to pull the plug and decline anything that feels wrong for you.
Whilst you may not be in control of how a dominant partner manages you, you do have the ability to influence your dominant partner in many different and subtle ways. You may choose to influence them in a way that encourages them to push you in the areas that you most want to explore because you find it exciting and arousing.
Remember, that you are still in charge of your own experience, because you are willingly choosing to enter into such a relationship.
Entering Into The Relationship
You could make the analogy that it’s a very similar process to someone like an intern or a worker in training. Interns and people in training, don’t necessarily control every single aspect of their training. But they do decide the overall experience by choosing to be where they are.
In saying that, it’s important to note that there are some people that are more qualified to be a dominant, or submissive than others. At times it may be necessary to switch to gain an understanding of the difficulties and challenges that each partner may or may not face.
A dominant and submissive lifestyle may manifest itself in several different ways. The dominant and submissive aspect might only come out within the bedroom. It might be limited to the house, or it might encompass a full on lifestyle. A thing with bondage is that in many ways it is entirely up to you as to how you would proceed with it.
Your engagement with it might be sporadic, it might be continual. Or it might be rare and only occur if the conditions are right.
A BDSM Lifestyle
As you read through this website, you might come across something that doesn’t appeal to you. That’s okay. Even within the BDSM lifestyle and for people that practice the same kink, there are a myriad of ways with which you can practice that kink that differ between couples. And really it comes down to how the couple would like to engage with it that makes all the difference.
Engagement with a kink is very similar to the way people would pursue different lifestyles and beliefs. Consider the way people would engage with the lifestyle of practicing Tao. It’s a belief which relies on the knowing that life cannot be completely understood. But that it is an acknowledgement of a path of everyday living and experience. As such, people would interact with it in very different ways.
For example – we just mentioned that some people will only like to engage in a dominant and submissive style of play within the bedroom. This doesn’t mean that the dominant or submissive partner is like that outside of the bedroom. In many cases the type of play doesn’t really affect how they interact with each other within the relationship.
Other times, it might. For those that engage in a full time Ds relationship, the submissive might decide to succumb to the whims of their dominant full time. They might decide to keep their dominant or submissive title. Or they might transcend to a full Master or Mistress/slave relationship where in effect the Master or Mistress takes full control of their slaves life.
Symbolic
Titles vary across couples. For some it’s a symbolic taking on and for others it’s literal translation where the term slave is a literal definition of the word as to owning obedient human property. This might seem barbaric or old fashioned. But it is important to note that the slave takes on this title of their own free will. They do so willingly.
Sounds complicated? It is, but we will explore this part of the DS relationship in another chapter.