With BDSM gaining traction and more and more people taking to the lifestyle it is becoming more likely to find fraudulent Dominants who talk themselves up as someone they aren’t. We get it. It happens in relationships. People often exaggerate their experience or who they are.
But Fake Dominants, whether they are Doms Dommes Daddys Mummys or Masters can be dangerous. These dynamics are not just exaggerating that they managed a few retail stores, or aced their studies in highschool or university.
No no, these dynamics have serious implications
And responsibilities that if aren’t taken earnestly can have dire consequences for the bottom in the dynamic (the submissive, the little, the slave).
In some instances it used to be as simple as saying that you could vet the intended person. Ask around and see if people knew anything about them. Reputation is only as good as the person you are asking, and can be very biased. To say that reputation is a popularity contest is an understatement.
So we’ve collaborated a few bits and pieces from our action research and time spent in cooperation with many wonderful bottoms and tops.
Throughout this article we will use the phrasing Dom* for ease of writing. But please note that we intend this as an umbrella term that includes all forms of tops that share responsibility in a dynamic as a Dominant.
Using Pet Names
When a Dom generically and instantaneously uses pet names such as Princess, baby girl, kitten as a form of endearment, this can be very disrespectful without first getting permission.
These terms can hold a lot of meaning to a person. Or to some, they might not mean anything. Someone with experience however should know that it is always important to ask before assuming they can call you anything other than your name.
Immediately Asserting Themselves as your Dom
A Dom that comes in and immediately asserts themselves as your Dom is also a huge red flag.
Being a Dom is a privilege that is earnt over time and comes with lots of responsibility. It is also a negotiation and discussion. Not a hostile takeover. Anyone who makes that decision for you, without knowing you well, is doing a disservice to the title of Dom.
Lets give an example.
Say you’ve been chatting to this person a couple of times and you just met up for a coffee/drink.
You: It was really nice catching up with you. Let’s do it again soon. When are you free next?
FD: I’m glad we could. I would really appreciate it if you would call me Sir.
You: Um… I don’t feel comfortable with that, we’ve only just met.
FD: oh dear babygirl. You wouldn’t want me to punish you next time we meet up would you?
Red. Flag.
Not knowing the basics
Some articles will have you believe that someone new can’t be a Dom.
But I don’t believe that. Otherwise, where would they come from? It is a sad fact that there is a short supply of Dom training in today’s climate due to many reasons and you can’t get everything from the internet or from books. Dom’s don’t sprout out of the ground ready made. Many Doms do have the traits to spend time in training as submissives, learning from dominants.
Dominancy for many is a personality trait that is as ingrained in their genetic make up. What is important however is to know the basic principles behind BDSM and the lifestyle. They should have a basic understanding of common terminology.
Most importantly a prospective Dom should have a knowledge of Consent and negotiations. It also helps to know basics such as rules, safe words, the concept of soft limits and hard limits, punishments and boundaries.
Exaggerating Experience
This is one of the reasons that vetting can be a fine line nowadays.
People will say anything. Be careful of doms who are only too happy to be arrogant about their level of their experience or name drop. Even to the point of putting all others down. This can be a big red flag trying to overly assert their dominance as the only eligible option. Similarly if a person says that they are quite big within well known circles, check.
It is more than acceptable to drop someone a line to ask if they know a person. But be warned, if you don’t know that person yourself-how sure can you be on their review of a person?
Belittling and Bullying
A Dom is bold and confident in all that they do. They don’t need to prove themselves and are there to help build themselves and their submissives up.
A fake dom is a bully and often uses intimidation and threatens the sub, getting defensive when confronted, relying on the fact that they are the boss, the dominant and the ruling power. True dominants will take the time to listen to your fears or concerns and walk you through something if you have taken the time to bring it to them. They are there to also build you up, not only to bark orders and assert dominance.
Lying and Gaslighting
This one is a little trickier because it overlaps so much into toxic relationships, and is not just something fraudulent dominants do. But after careful consideration I am putting it in here because a Dominant does need to upfront about their intentions about their dynamic, their expectations. And by turning it around as some fake doms do (gaslighting) this is why this section is warranted.
But please please please recognise that these are also indicators of toxicity in any relationship, be it coming from a Dominant or a submissive or in a vanilla based relationship. Gaslighting, breadcrumbing, lying, cheating or hurting another person against the wishes of another in any dynamic is wrong, harmful and disrespectful.
Fraudulent Dominants
I am aware that there are many other indicators of fake dominants out there. But hopefully this will give you a small insight into some of the ways in which fraudulent dominants can act and checking out a guide to DS Breaking Down BDSM will help.
We would love to hear some of your thoughts as well, to add to our lists to make our next article on spotting fake ones to better educate others along this journey that we take.